Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, despite your best efforts. Despite hoping and praying. Despite begging, pleading, groveling, or working your butt off.
When Joe and I first started talking about playing grown-ups (AKA getting married, having babies, etc) I told him I wanted to have our first baby within a year of us getting married.
I said that after THIS apartment, we'd have a real house. Then it was the next and the next.
I told Joe that this house I'm sitting in right now was going to be IT. It was going to be our dream house.
But you know what, lovely readers? None of that worked out the way I thought it would, the way I wanted it to.
We just recently bought a Dodge from a friend of ours. Really, Joe bought it. He always had the more consistant and better paying job, so he made all the payments. So when he'd say it was HIS truck, I'd say, "That's ok. I'M going to buy my own vehicle and it's going to be a Nissan Xterra and it's going to be fairly new with four doors so whenever we have our baby, it'll have plenty of room." I was determined. Nothing was going to stand in my way.
I just got off the phone with Joe. He says there's a guy he works with that's selling his '89 Camaro for $1,000. All it needs is a new clutch.
And do you know what I said? I said that sounds awesome. I said it would be great. A two door, no back seat, possibly going to die in a few years, stick shift for gosh sakes, That Joe would have to pay for since I'm currently jobless and broke, great??
Why the hell would I say that?
For the same reason I'm moving to Texas in one short week to go live with Joe's dad, which if you remember, I said I would never do, just a few weeks ago.
Now, we might not even buy this car and we could find a place to live within a week and this whole talk might just all be moot. But let me tell
you something folks, if I've learned nothing else, I've learned to be willing to put what I want or what I thought I had to have aside and take what life's going to give me.
Because really, life probably knows better than I do.
That's why, despite Jillian's momma's best efforts to keep her daughter cooking, she came into this world at 24 weeks. That's why, despite possibly thousands of people's prayers for this little girl, despite the prayers of the two people who loved her most, she still left us.
I don't know what's right about a mother burying her daughter. I don't think I know of anything more wrong than that.
But I do know there has to be something.
Life doesn't ask you what you want, it just gives you what you're meant to have.
Little Miss Jillian, I think, was meant to reach to many people all over the world. I think she was meant to teach us all a lesson. She did her job, momma. I pray that you can someday find peace in that.
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